Category Archives: wedding


The second part of our Ireland trip was Cork, where the wedding was going to take place.  My Brit rented a tiny manual car and three hours later we arrived. The drive over was gorgeous with the green hills and farm life, plus had a blast singing with my boyfriend and discussing his friends I was about to meet. He had to drive because this lady only knows how to drive automatic.

We arrived at the adorable tiny town and I felt like I was in some Charles Dickens story. However, the same wasn’t for our hotel.  Our hotel was extremely child friendly, to the point that the hotel staff thought we had children of our own. The receptionist even charged him for day camp for our “child”.

Anyway, we got to our room to discover one single bed and one queen bed.  After moving the beds together to make one king, apparently I like to sleep in the middle of the bed, so I have been told, we went to dinner at the hotel’s restaurant. We got a table in the corner to hide from the room of screaming babies, children running wild, and parents looking miserable while downing drinks. Afterwards, we went to watch Jurassic Park in the tiny theater (the only theater in town).

The next day we ate at the breakfast buffet and got lost driving to the BBQ of the groom’s vacation home. Finally arriving at the house, went to the beach to take in the beautiful view (however, it was windy and chilly) after eating and mingling at the BBQ. Later that night, we went to the local pub and drank with the groom (he’s my Brit’s friend). Got to hear lots of stories from my boyfriend’s friends about him so it was nice to see that side of him.

We made it an early night since we had to get up for the big day! And, I needed the time to make myself pretty and workout. We woke up to the screams of children, better than an alarm clock. Being the nice girlfriend that I am, to make our trip special (especially since the kids were kinda ruining the sexy mood), I let him shave me. Not shave my legs but shave my vajayjay. A first for both of us. He loved the idea of it but it’s actually scary. It became more of a chore for him than it being sexy. He was so worried about cutting me and even though I didn’t show it, I was worried too. After I took ver, we fooled around in the shower.

We arrived at the church looking fabulous, me in a long cobalt blue one shoulder gown, and him in his new light grey suit and blue tie. I felt confident until I saw that most women were wearing hats to the ceremony. I totally forgot about the hat tradition! You would think my Brit before would remind me but no, so I looked like the American douche.

The ceremony was super long and for some reason the priest introduced the bridal party as if it we were there to watch a play. Afterwards, we went to the reception which was located on top of a hill with views of the beach. They really were blessed with such a beautiful day. No rain and the sun was out, a rare occasion in Ireland. I had Pimm’s for the first time and felt like a proper Brit.

Nothing too exciting happened at the wedding reception. I got tipsy on champagne as usual, I danced till my feet hurt (as usual), I ate like the world was going to end (as usual), and I fell in love with my Brit more.  All his friends loved the cute American girl who my Brit was spending all his time with…. now where is my ring (j/k, kinda).

The only embarrassing thing was one of the guest (an American) took off his clothes and danced on the stage… thanks for representing us classy!

The next day we went to lunch with my Brit’s friends and walked along the beach with the wind in our hair and in nice warm comfy clothes. Can you believe people were in their bathing suits and in the water? My Brit told me that Ireland were used to weather like that and considered that warm!

Anyway our last day in Cork was nice and relaxing. We packed up, had dinner, and headed to the airport to head to our next destination, England!


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The Bitch Got Hitched

I’m back after a long month of work bitch slapping me, my mom having a week celebration for her birthday like she’s queen bee, and my friend’s posh wedding in Arizona.

So if anyone that was asking about the beautiful roses that were sent to me for Valentine’s Day… still don’t know who they were from so either I have a creepy secret admirer and a Lifetime movie will be made about me in a year or the person thinks I’m a rude whore for not thanking them.

My mom had a week long of ass kissing from me for her birthday, and that was a lot of ass to kiss so I was busy.

Now, on to my friend’s happily ever after…. or I pray and hope it is. Let’s start the story of how they met, which is tragedy turned into a wonderful tale. My friend’s mother needed surgery and my friend’s future husband was her doctor. Cute right? Seems like a good way to start, he helps save her mother’s life and they fall in love.  Well…… their sex life wasn’t the best. It was boring and routine, when they were having sex. He would claim her vagina was too big and she would claim his penis was too small… lovely words they would say to each other. Let’s hope now that they are married it’s 100% better… please pray with me that it is. Sex is so important.

But, still they decided to get married. And, for a bridesmaid that means to get tortured. Let’s start with the dress fitting, it sucks when a place gets your dress TWO sizes too big… was I really a fat ass when they measured me for the order or was it that they made such a huge error that they ended up costing my friend more money (yes, my gracious friend paid for our dresses and fittings). And, I believe for the first time in history a bridesmaid dress was not some hideous thing to be ashamed of wearing. Our dresses were gorgeous and I only had to watch my diet a few days before the wedding so a huge WIN for me.

The bachelorette party, well my friend and I planned this, the other girls didn’t help at all. Which is fine, whatever, because we planned a fun weekend while those ladies would just have sat and giggled (which that’s all they did all weekend but at least they were doing things while giggling).  One of the events we planned was for a male stripper to come to her room. Now, for ladies a male stripper is for more fun than sexual, we laugh, act horrified, and thank the lord for our boyfriends/husbands/for being gay (whatever floats your boat). This male stripper was no MAGIC MIKE. He came a half hour earlier than planned, which for girls is like 2 hours. He was hungover, did not dress like I asked him to dress as (room service), had a GUT, and sucked. Kept asking us what we wanted him to do and provided no toys or fun games (like we paid extra for). How does this mother fucker have this job? If you are ugly and fat at least be good at your fucking job. But, to suck and be ugly… how dare you.  And, we didn’t even pick him… he’s not even on the company website. And, my friend had him a few years ago when she went to a bachelorette party and at least he was thin then.  But he kept his dirty ass socks on and his sweaty gut kept rubbing against us. Plus he kept grabbing at my tits like he was hungry, which the fat fuck probably was.

Also, when you are in a relationship do you suddenly become boring? These girls were so boring (all in relationships, one was fat and too tired or didn’t want to get dressed up for anything). No one wanted to party hard, just eat, take a billion pictures, and call it an early night. However, if you are single like moi then bachelorette parties are great because men hit on you more and you are suddenly the cool and fun one (duh, that was me). And, bachelorette parties are a great excuse to go wild and get stupid drunk so why wouldn’t you?

The bridal shower: what are the official rules? Do bridesmaids pay or family? The last few I were in the family pays but my friend and her family wanted us to pay.  So we paid half of it buttttt I HATE bridal showers. They are boring and annoying with their stupid games and little food. Feed me damn it! And the gifts, why do we need to see every gift you received? It takes hours and by the time you go through all your kitchenware and towels I am on my 5th drink with hardly any food in me. It’s cruel and inhumane. When I have a bridal shower (IF I ever get married) there will be no opening the stupid gifts and LOTS of food and drinks. Basically more like a cocktail party than a shower.

Finally the wedding, which my fatass traveled to. First time in AZ and the weather was perfect and I cried when her husband read his beautiful vows to her and I haven’t cried like that since my dog died last year. Plus, it makes every woman think of their future. Will I ever find the one? When I have a wedding I will/I won’t do this? It kinda depresses you (or at least me) because finding the one has been a too difficult procedure for me. But, at least I had my makeup and hair done and I looked good but…. NO ONE to hook up with. Such a waste of all that work and no vagina pleasure or even a hot makeout session (which I haven’t had either since OCTOBER!!!!!!!!!!)

Plus, I didn’t know my friend was Beyonce with fireworks at her wedding and three dress changes. Buttttt, the one thing I hate about fancy weddings is there was so little food. Why do people want to starve me? Are they trying to tell me something?

But, it was really truly amazing to see someone you love and known half of your life to get married, to move on from singlehood and be the beautiful woman you knew she would be (was that too cheesy).  Weddings are a pain but it’s worth it to see the bride and groom glowing with love. It gives a girl hope that I will be blinding like the sun one day.