Category Archives: dating

Baby Arm

No, I’m not talking about a cute child’s chubby arm, I am talking about a man’s dick. A very large dick. For some odd reason, it looks like a baby arm. If you have ever seen one, you know what I’m talking about. Why am I mentioning this fact you ask? Before my Brit, I started working at the company I am with now. I was fresh faced and full of hope and promise. Single and having fun dating.  I was feeling and looking good, making some real good money, and actually enjoying my job.

Of course, it had to crash like the Titanic. Like any normal hormonal woman, I had work crushes but didn’t act on them because I was in the adult world with a real job. Then after about several months of working there, I received a work IM from one of my co-workers. It was a guy who I spoke a total of like three words to. At the company Holiday party, I asked him where Lily was, because he looked like Marshall from “How I Met Your Mother”. Then days after the party, he IMs me, flirting.

Not going to lie, I was into it. I was alone and he was really cute. After the day of talking, he asks me what he and a black guy have in common. Not knowing where he was going with that question, I asked him what he meant. He told me that they both have big dicks. And, that’s how I started sexting with Baby Arm.

We exchanged numbers and that night I received my first dick pic from him. It scared me because of the size and bluntness.  I thought I was going to go blind or my phone would break from loss of memory. And, sorry, but I had to send my friends the picture. I think I heard their screams from my apartment.

I have many stories about this Baby Arm so keep reading. If you have any questions or need advice you can write to me diaryofalovefool@gmail.com

I’m Back!!!!!!

Hello darlings,

I am so sorry for disappearing like a guy after a date. I know it’s such a pathetic excuse but I have been busy with being a peasant at work and writing a book (which by the way, is not easy and I think I discovered I have ADD).  I’m also still dating my boyfriend, everyone is still shocked that I’m still in a relationship.  This has been my longest relationship ever so I guess that means I’m a real adult and “mature”.  And to be honest, I didn’t think anyone was reading this blog.  I kinda felt like a weirdo writing about my life and no one caring. But I have been getting emails asking me why I went all Gone Girl and that really touched my heart.

Here are some answers to your questions:

1) I am alive! I have been working, traveling, eating, and have much more stories to tell.

2) I am with my Brit and we are looking to move in together! Excited and nervous because I am a gross human being when I’m alone with my dogs. Plus, the bathroom situation! We need to discuss more.

3) Not everything is sunshine and a Disney movie between my boyfriend and I. Of course, no relationship is perfect. We will discuss more.

4) I am writing a book (trying) and would love to write a column for a magazine but apparently everyone wants to be a writer and it’s not the easiest dream in the world to make come true.

So I will be trying to write on here every day and not disappoint or scare you anymore. You might get sick of me ;)

And remember, write to me about any questions you have regarding your life. I will answer them honestly and not like your friends who tell you one thing then behind your back say something else. diaryofalovefool@gmail.com

 

Fireworks

Well The Brit and I had sex for the second time this weekend and let me say it was 150% better than the first time. No need for crazy moves or trying to impress me with things he’s seen in movies… just connecting with each other (I know, that sounds cheesy).  But, sex is about two people becoming one (caught that Spice Girls reference)… it’s fun but you are also showing how much you care about the person (or at least are attracted to them).  So sex with The Brit was just easy, no nerves getting in the way. It felt new but like we have been having sex for years, knowing what each other like. And, 2 things happened that I LOVE. One, we came at the same time. Two, he stayed in me for a few minutes after and cuddled instead of running like he just committed a crime.

So I think it’s clear that I am in the really like time with The Brit right now and this weekend he will be meeting my friends (BIG step). So will update you with how that will go. But, every time someone asks me about The Brit I smile like a baby who just took a poop. And, when we are together I just want to touch him or hold his hand. Plus, I am really comfortable with him. I was hanging out at his place with no makeup and my hair in a lazy sloppy bun. HUGE deal.

Hopefully, one day I will be Mrs. Brit.

The Cobwebs Have Been Cleaned

Still shocked by my last post? Say Smegma three times. Kidding. But, I hope everyone learns to respect themselves enough not to put a smelly and dirty dick (or vagina) in their mouths. You are better than that!

Now on to the new post, I finally had sex after months of moaning and fearing of becoming a cat lady. And, I had sex with The Brit. So, how did it go you ask? Well, the first time is never the best. Sorry but that’s the truth. Don’t believe books and movies. It’s awkward and both parties are nervous.

First off, we have been drinking and that can either help or destroy the night.  He’s a tall man, 6’5″ and have very long fingers so him trying to pleasure me with his hand did not work well because my body was just getting used to having anything in there and he tried to use 2. Let’s calm down buddy.

Orally… AMAZING! Now, I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t had anyone near that area in a while (except the doctor and that is NEVER fun) but wow, he deserves a round of applause and shots.

Now the Home Run… let’s just say Derek Jeter didn’t hit this one. He did some jack rabbit moves that bothered the fuck out of me. What’s jack rabbit moves? Well, it’s when a guy speed thrusts into you at an alarming rate (and it’s never good). Then he wanted to move the action towards the window so we can both look at the beautiful city while he thrusts from behind me. Beautiful theory. I think I have even seen this in a movie before. But…. it didn’t really work well and then he lost his hard-on. The most horrific thing that could happen during sex (second place is falling asleep). So it took 20 minutes for his hard- on to come back but by that point my hand and arm was killing me from trying to wake his dick so I wasn’t really in the mood anymore but thankfully he enjoyed it and it was still very nice for me.  Plus, he gets points for trying to keep pleasuring me with his mouth when he lost his hard-on.

Was I disappointed that I didn’t see fireworks when The Brit and I had sex for the first time? Of course. Especially, since I feel he might be the one. But, the best part is we can try again and I’m sure it will be better. And, if it’s not… well practice makes perfect ;)

Remember write to me with any questions or opinions diaryofalovefool@gmail.com

 

Smegma

For people who are wondering about The Brit and Little Man… no sex with The Brit yet and I haven’t been out with the Little Man. But, we are starting to think The Brit might be getting the cookie this weekend! Will update you if it happens.

What is smegma you ask? Well, it’s white gross bacteria that is usually found in someone’s private parts so usually with men if they are uncircumcised (or just a really dirty woman). Yummy! So basically, wash your junk because no girl wants to suck a dick with that.

Why am I mentioning smegma? I have a story to tell. One of my friends was young, insecure, in love, and just plain stupid. Her boyfriend (who was a piece of shit) was uncircumcised and guess what, he had smegma (so on top of being a piece of shit, he was dirty). Because she loved him and was insecure with her weight, she gave him a blow job even though he smelled like grated cheese (from the smegma). 

First off, having the smell of grated cheese near my nose is gross and I don’t even know how she was able to open her mouth without vomit coming out. Two, sucking a dick is work but girl put serious overtime with sucking on a dick that had smegma and how did the fucker thank her? Cheated, lied about having cancer, and overall was a douche (received the award for worst boyfriend ever). Three, a dick is not like sucking on a lollipop, it’s not the best tasting thing ever but to add smegma to it… I don’t know how she didn’t die or how she continued.

Getting a blow job should be a treat for men. They should appreciate us putting a penis in our mouth. It’s called a blow job for a reason. So at least men can wash their dick before we suck on it. It’s about manners people. Be considerate and you will get more treats from us.

Also, ladies (and men) you should never have to deal with a smegma private part. Tell your lover to wash or dump their dirty ass. You don’t deserve to have white bacteria in your mouth.

Remember, you can email me to ask questions or give me your opinions about this. diaryofalovefool@gmail.com

 

Why Does Sex Change Men For The Worse?

No, I didn’t have sex with The Brit last night. But, writing my blog yesterday did make me think of the topic. So men, why? Was your whole purpose of going out with us was to get us in bed? Or, once the deed is done your brain tells you to move on and spread your seed? A co-worker of mine told me that if he doesn’t develop feelings for his lady friend before they have sex then he will most likely get bored or want to meet someone else who excites him more.

Fine, I get that. You are only having “fun” until you are ready to move on to the next one. So, I guess that makes sense. But, geez be nice about it. Have some balls (and we know you have them because you like when we play with them) and tell us straight up and not take forever to text us or tell us you always have plans. If you came inside of me then you can tell me to my face that it’s over.

I googled (the best invention ever) “why do men change after sex” and read some interesting things. First, us ladies become needy. We might become needy but in our defense, we just shared a private moment with you so let us be needy damn it. However, if we are fatal attraction needy then yeah, I get it. Run. Change your number. Have a bodyguard with you at all times.

What’s fatal attraction needy? Texting you nonstop. Showing up to your place uninvited. Watching you sleep. Basically, your worst nightmare.  Watch the movie Fatal Attraction for more references.

Second, we have to love ourselves first before you can love us. I’m always 50/50 with this one because no one is completely happy with themselves. Sorry, even the most rich, gorgeous, intelligent person is still not 100% happy. And, it just sounds like such BS. Like beauty is skin deep. No, some people are just straight up ugly.

I am also watching Wendy Williams while writing this blog and she has James Van Der Beek as a guest and they are talking about how James quickly fell in love with his wife. And, this is what he said, “Guys know when they are ready.”

So men, is that what it is? You know when you are ready to settle down with one vagina? And, till you are ready you will explore all the vaginas you can?

Email me diaryofalovefool@gmail.com with questions or opinions.

The Brit

I don’t know if any of you realize but I love England. I went there last year with my mother and fell even in love more.  I love British movies, books, history, accents, and MEN. I should have been born there. I feel like I would get along pretty well there too. So, with that said, it only makes sense that I start dating a Brit… and I am!

I met The Brit on eHarmony… which by the way, love and recommend. You meet such quality men on the site with great jobs and ready to settle down.  Anyway, he’s not the best looking man I have ever met but he is cute, sooooo sweet, and such a gentleman.  I really super duper like this guy. On our 4th date we went to a wedding of his friends, tonight I’m meeting his squash team for drinks, making plans for double dates with his friends, and we have made more plans to meet more of his friends and mine… I feel like that means he is not dating anyone else and this is leading to something serious… hopefully ending in living in a sweet townhouse/apartment with a big but classy diamond ring on my finger.

Anyway, I think he might be the one. Andddddddd, I haven’t even slept with him yet. Yep, you read that right! We have only made out. Why am I keeping my legs shut you ask? One, I’m trying to be classy and in Sex and the City, Charlotte didn’t sleep with Trey and got a huge ring but that ended badly so we will have to sleep with him soon just in case he has Trey’s erection problem. Two, I always get nervous with him which either means I really like him or I sense he will be bad. Three, with my luck he will be bad and that will pop by British dreams. Four, I think it would be really romantic and soooo girly if I wait till he says he loves me or takes me away on a trip.  And five, sex always changes things and right now, I like the way he treats me and looks at me. 

Don’t say sex doesn’t change things because it for a fact does. Which doesn’t make sense. If you both like each other and have a good time with one another why not have fun between the sheets? And, why does it change for the worst? Why do guys become jerks and prove every parents’ warning about sex and men?

If you would like to answer my question, give your opinion, or ask me a question you can email me at diaryofalovefool@gmail.com

 

Little Man

No, this doesn’t mean he has a little dick… however, I don’t know if he does. I work in an office and someone (not in my department) likes me. Have worked with him for about 3 years and he finally approached me. Why do I call him Little Man you ask? Well, I am about 5’6″ and he is about an inch shorter than me. And, I love heels so you do the math. He is a nice kid (a year younger than me), took me to drinks and dinner, which included a bottle of red wine. Classy! Then we walked and he practically climbed me (I wore flats to make him feel comfortable). We made out everywhere, him grabbing my tits and crotch. I heard someone yell at us to get a taxi and go home. He was begging like a little boy at a toy store for me to go back to his apartment. I didn’t. One, as much as I’m crazy I do work with the guy and I’m not completely stupid. Two, I had my period and this lady doesn’t sleep with a guy for the first time with her period. Hey, I’m not trashy. Three, I already did the work affair and let’s say I rather not repeat that.

Little Man LOVES me. Now, I don’t think that highly of myself to just make that up. I say he loves me because he invited me to his high school reunion and be his plus 1 to a few weddings. He kept holding and kissing my hands and calling me babe (still calls me babe).

Now, there are two things I can do about Little Man. I should just break it off and use the best excuse anyone can say, “I got back with my ex”. And then there’s the fun thing I can do, have sex with him and be pleased to no end. Let’s be real, anyone who likes someone a lot will do anything for that person so I bet Little Man will go down on me till I shake from pleasure and I haven’t had someone pleasure me in months!

I wish Little Man was a little taller because he does have a cute face, a nice body, comes from the South, and adores me. It would have been so perfect. And for all of you that are judging, I dated another little man back in the day and he was so insecure with my height that he made me feel like crap and I didn’t wear heels which is a sin because I have beautiful heels.

What do you think I should do? Email me with your thoughts or if you have a question diaryofalovefool@gmail.com

 

Catching Up

Sooooo sooooo extra sorry for not being on in a while. Was annoyingly busy these past weeks. After Valentine’s Day I was sick because I ate so much chocolate like Augustus Gloop from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory. Then work decided to bitch slap me with work events. And, I’ve been on dates but only one I felt the butterflies in my stomach with but of course, the guy that got my juices flowing and heart jumping out of my chest is not interested in me and he disappeared and went to Shady Island. What’s Shady Island you ask? Shady Island is a place where all the people you were interested in run off to, don’t remember to take their phones and you never hear from them again.

Now, the guy I went on a date with was insanely gorgeous (think Matt Bomer from White Collar), he’s a corporate lawyer so he had a little bit of a cocky attitude that I love, seemed like he came from a good family, and just had that Kennedy way about him (LOVE LOVE LOVE) that I was thinking I was in a Disney movie.  But, since we are talking about my luck it seems like the guy did not like me (even though he did text me a few days after the date). So, it’s been about a week and a half since our date and I believe he’s laying out and enjoying the sun on Shady Island.

The other guys I went out with were not for me, too short (I’m 5’6′) so I need a guy who I can wear my heels with, not into going out to restaurants (that’s just strange), and a little boring.

What’s my type you ask? I love a Kennedy/Patrick Bateman from American Psycho/date raper looking guy (don’t they all look the same?), a nice dresser (suits and ties makes me wet), fit, a smile that shows his pearly whites, tall… and now to personality, he needs to have a sense of humor, intelligent (if I’m the smart one in the relationship then that’s a huge problem), likes to try new restaurants, likes to travel, social (because I am no wall flower), and someone who isn’t a dick. Simple: don’t be a dick and mean what you say. Also, making $$$ will make anyone a happy camper.

I pinky promise I will be on more and tell you more stories because I have sooooo many to share (don’t know if that’s a good thing).  I still have to share the Baby Arm stories, the red lipstick wearing shady slut, my online dating stories, the red oral night, and much more!

Also, feel free to write to me to ask questions about anything. I will be more than happy to answer them (and honestly).