So I’m a little ashamed to admit I like eating cottage cheese. I feel healthy when I eat a little bit of it. Why you ask I mention cottage cheese? Not for the taste. Yes, I’m going to be that gross and say the look of it. And, why am I commenting on the look of it you ask? Because last year I got a YEAST INFECTION. I feel even more ashamed to admit that.
First, your lady part is itchy. Not like when your pubic hair grows but more like you want to sit at home all day and just scratch. It also burns and you feel the evil flames from the inside. So I sat on my toilet bowl, spread my legs, and looked at myself in a hand mirror. I felt like I was in a horror movie… cottage cheese everywhere. And the smell, I felt like I couldn’t wash enough.
I ran to the gyno and with one look she told me I had the infamous yeast infection. I was so grossed out. I thought only dirty women or whores get this.
So with my hooded covered head faced down in embarrassment, I went to the store to buy a cure. I spent some big bucks on the “quickest” fix for my yucky problem. For the cure, you stick an egg shaped cream into your lady part and wait. If you thought you burned and itched and smelled before, you were wrong. You have to wear a period pad because your underwear will be a mess. And, no sexy time… not like you would be in the mood. All I wanted to do was lie in bed in sweats and eat my depression away.
Finally, after my expensive “quick” cure (it took five days, “quick” my ass), I felt like a normal human being. And, my love for cottage cheese went out the door. I saw enough of the lumpy texture for a week. I could have scooped out all of my cottage cheese and served it for breakfast for a family of four.
With my FBI stalking/research talent you know I looked up the reasons God did this to me. Apparently, if you have dirty underwear, rough sex, and eat too much yogurt you could catch this infection. Also, you could be just prone to having them… which I think is God’s cruelest punishment. So let’s pray it’s just my boyfriend pounding into me too hard. And, so far I haven’t had anymore so I think we are in the clear.
I also read that some women take a tampon, cover it in yogurt, and stick it in them to cure themselves. One, I like my yogurt only in my mouth and two, I don’t use tampons…. but that’s for another blog post.
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