I’m back after a long month of work bitch slapping me, my mom having a week celebration for her birthday like she’s queen bee, and my friend’s posh wedding in Arizona.
So if anyone that was asking about the beautiful roses that were sent to me for Valentine’s Day… still don’t know who they were from so either I have a creepy secret admirer and a Lifetime movie will be made about me in a year or the person thinks I’m a rude whore for not thanking them.
My mom had a week long of ass kissing from me for her birthday, and that was a lot of ass to kiss so I was busy.
Now, on to my friend’s happily ever after…. or I pray and hope it is. Let’s start the story of how they met, which is tragedy turned into a wonderful tale. My friend’s mother needed surgery and my friend’s future husband was her doctor. Cute right? Seems like a good way to start, he helps save her mother’s life and they fall in love. Well…… their sex life wasn’t the best. It was boring and routine, when they were having sex. He would claim her vagina was too big and she would claim his penis was too small… lovely words they would say to each other. Let’s hope now that they are married it’s 100% better… please pray with me that it is. Sex is so important.
But, still they decided to get married. And, for a bridesmaid that means to get tortured. Let’s start with the dress fitting, it sucks when a place gets your dress TWO sizes too big… was I really a fat ass when they measured me for the order or was it that they made such a huge error that they ended up costing my friend more money (yes, my gracious friend paid for our dresses and fittings). And, I believe for the first time in history a bridesmaid dress was not some hideous thing to be ashamed of wearing. Our dresses were gorgeous and I only had to watch my diet a few days before the wedding so a huge WIN for me.
The bachelorette party, well my friend and I planned this, the other girls didn’t help at all. Which is fine, whatever, because we planned a fun weekend while those ladies would just have sat and giggled (which that’s all they did all weekend but at least they were doing things while giggling). One of the events we planned was for a male stripper to come to her room. Now, for ladies a male stripper is for more fun than sexual, we laugh, act horrified, and thank the lord for our boyfriends/husbands/for being gay (whatever floats your boat). This male stripper was no MAGIC MIKE. He came a half hour earlier than planned, which for girls is like 2 hours. He was hungover, did not dress like I asked him to dress as (room service), had a GUT, and sucked. Kept asking us what we wanted him to do and provided no toys or fun games (like we paid extra for). How does this mother fucker have this job? If you are ugly and fat at least be good at your fucking job. But, to suck and be ugly… how dare you. And, we didn’t even pick him… he’s not even on the company website. And, my friend had him a few years ago when she went to a bachelorette party and at least he was thin then. But he kept his dirty ass socks on and his sweaty gut kept rubbing against us. Plus he kept grabbing at my tits like he was hungry, which the fat fuck probably was.
Also, when you are in a relationship do you suddenly become boring? These girls were so boring (all in relationships, one was fat and too tired or didn’t want to get dressed up for anything). No one wanted to party hard, just eat, take a billion pictures, and call it an early night. However, if you are single like moi then bachelorette parties are great because men hit on you more and you are suddenly the cool and fun one (duh, that was me). And, bachelorette parties are a great excuse to go wild and get stupid drunk so why wouldn’t you?
The bridal shower: what are the official rules? Do bridesmaids pay or family? The last few I were in the family pays but my friend and her family wanted us to pay. So we paid half of it buttttt I HATE bridal showers. They are boring and annoying with their stupid games and little food. Feed me damn it! And the gifts, why do we need to see every gift you received? It takes hours and by the time you go through all your kitchenware and towels I am on my 5th drink with hardly any food in me. It’s cruel and inhumane. When I have a bridal shower (IF I ever get married) there will be no opening the stupid gifts and LOTS of food and drinks. Basically more like a cocktail party than a shower.
Finally the wedding, which my fatass traveled to. First time in AZ and the weather was perfect and I cried when her husband read his beautiful vows to her and I haven’t cried like that since my dog died last year. Plus, it makes every woman think of their future. Will I ever find the one? When I have a wedding I will/I won’t do this? It kinda depresses you (or at least me) because finding the one has been a too difficult procedure for me. But, at least I had my makeup and hair done and I looked good but…. NO ONE to hook up with. Such a waste of all that work and no vagina pleasure or even a hot makeout session (which I haven’t had either since OCTOBER!!!!!!!!!!)
Plus, I didn’t know my friend was Beyonce with fireworks at her wedding and three dress changes. Buttttt, the one thing I hate about fancy weddings is there was so little food. Why do people want to starve me? Are they trying to tell me something?
But, it was really truly amazing to see someone you love and known half of your life to get married, to move on from singlehood and be the beautiful woman you knew she would be (was that too cheesy). Weddings are a pain but it’s worth it to see the bride and groom glowing with love. It gives a girl hope that I will be blinding like the sun one day.