I’m Back!!!!!!

Hello darlings,

I am so sorry for disappearing like a guy after a date. I know it’s such a pathetic excuse but I have been busy with being a peasant at work and writing a book (which by the way, is not easy and I think I discovered I have ADD).  I’m also still dating my boyfriend, everyone is still shocked that I’m still in a relationship.  This has been my longest relationship ever so I guess that means I’m a real adult and “mature”.  And to be honest, I didn’t think anyone was reading this blog.  I kinda felt like a weirdo writing about my life and no one caring. But I have been getting emails asking me why I went all Gone Girl and that really touched my heart.

Here are some answers to your questions:

1) I am alive! I have been working, traveling, eating, and have much more stories to tell.

2) I am with my Brit and we are looking to move in together! Excited and nervous because I am a gross human being when I’m alone with my dogs. Plus, the bathroom situation! We need to discuss more.

3) Not everything is sunshine and a Disney movie between my boyfriend and I. Of course, no relationship is perfect. We will discuss more.

4) I am writing a book (trying) and would love to write a column for a magazine but apparently everyone wants to be a writer and it’s not the easiest dream in the world to make come true.

So I will be trying to write on here every day and not disappoint or scare you anymore. You might get sick of me ;)

And remember, write to me about any questions you have regarding your life. I will answer them honestly and not like your friends who tell you one thing then behind your back say something else. diaryofalovefool@gmail.com

 

Jack Rabbit

The Jack Rabbit. No, it’s not an animal or a person but a technique that men do when having sex. What is it you ask? It’s when a man quickly thrusts into a woman to the point that it becomes unenjoyable for the lady.  I was dating someone and we had sex for the first time and everything was fine. He was rich, very good-looking, beautiful blue eyes, nice apartment, funny, a great kisser… seems like the perfect guy but then in the middle of our hustle all of a sudden he starts moving at a pace which throws my body up and down the bed like a rag doll. I couldn’t even see him because he is moving so quickly. And, this special move isn’t for a minute, this dance lasts to a point that I’m staring at his TV wishing to the heavens that it magically turns on so I could watch it and not be bored.

I thought it would be a onetime thing but no, he does it again the next morning. Fuck me wrong once, shame on you. Fuck me wrong twice, shame on me. I was done. Never saw him again. And, my vagina was happy for it too. All that speed racing thrusting hurts the lady bits.

See this video below to fully understand

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8eia9hK-K0

So men, please stop this horrible act.

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Email me with any questions diaryofalovefool@gmail.com

 

Instagram

Hey,

Sorry for not posting in a while but work and my love life (that’s right LOVE life) have been keeping me busy. Don’t have much time to post today but will mention three Instagram accounts you should follow:

TAYLORSWIFT because she’s freaking Taylor Swift and we get to glimpse at her posh/classy/perfect/glam life. That girl has some legs and red lips.

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BERGDORFS because it’s fun to look at clothes, bags, and shoes you can’t afford.

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CANDACEBUSHNELL because she is the brilliant mind that created Sex and the City and let us ladies be powerful sex goddess. Respect her.

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And, remember I’m on as well so stalk me. Joss0000

Buffalo Shrimp

I don’t eat meat or chicken so when I find something to eat that I love (such as buffalo shrimp), I LOVE it. Like will crave for it and when a delicious piece is in my mouth I will dance in my seat of pure joy.

This tale is about how an ex of mine took that joy away from me. We went out for dinner to one our favorite places in Hoboken. He lived across the street from the restaurant/bar so it was an easy commute. That night we fought over the fact that I wasn’t ready for him to meet my mom. We were in a relationship for six months but I knew she wouldn’t like him and frankly, I knew we wouldn’t last. I ordered buffalo shrimp but couldn’t finish it, normally I lick my plate clean but I was bothered by my ex and our fight. We dropped off our leftovers at his apartment and traveled to the city to meet my friends before we headed over to a party for his friend.

At my friend’s apartment he pregammed hard. Mind you we had drinks at dinner so add about 5 vodka shots and a couple of glasses of wine. He was nonsocial, just standing in my friend’s kitchen drinking sadly.  We left my friend’s apartment to go to his friend’s party. He was spilling drinks and stumbling (I shouldn’t be too surprised since he did this most of the time we went out). I knew I wasn’t happy, even cried in the bathroom like a teenager to my friend about how unhappy I was.

I practically carried him back to his apartment that night. Yelling at him like a child to sit and stop. I threw him in bed and slept on the couch, just in case he threw up (I didn’t want vomit on top of me as well).

The next morning I woke up, thinking I will be positive about the situation. Plus, I was starving and ready for my buffalo shrimp.  I went into the kitchen and saw our containers from the night before on the counter and one was opened. I saw my ex with orange like sauce all over his face. My heart stopped. I straight up asked him if he ate my buffalo shrimp. He replied, “No.” I looked at the container that had the buffalo shrimp in it and discovered it empty. He saw my face and said “That’s how they packed it.”

Later that day I broke up with him. Lesson of the story, never eat a woman’s buffalo shrimp.

Here’s a link to the restaurant/bar. Highly recommend it. Fun place with great food. I need to go back even though I live in the city. It’s easy to get there too. Take the Path (from the city) to Hoboken. Then, take a cab ($5) to 10th and Willow and boom get ready to enjoy. And, you’re welcome.  http://www.10thandwillow.com/

 

Red Lipstick Wearing Shady Slut

Not me… even though I do like wearing red lipstick. I am talking about my friend’s ex-lover. See, my friend is gay and she had an affair with a married woman. Bad, yes. But, this Red Lipstick Wearing Shady Slut played with my friend’s emotions. Let’s start from the beginning…

My friend and the Red Lipstick Wearing Shady Slut met through my friend’s ex (she was currently dating the girl). Then, they broke up but my friend remained friends with the Red Lipstick Wearing Shady Slut. But, like a shady slut does, she went after my friend. They had an affair which turned into my friend having feelings for the Red Lipstick Wearing Shady Slut while this slut was still married to her husband and still friends with my friend’s ex, living a double life.

It sucks to see your friend hurting, crying over someone who doesn’t deserve their tears. Especially a Red Lipstick Wearing Shady Slut. But, my friend wants a relationship. She wants to be with someone who she could fully trust. She wants what everyone wants when they finally matured. So, she ended it with the Red Lipstick Wearing Shady Slut because that slut couldn’t give her what she was looking for. She couldn’t trust her. She wasn’t leaving her husband because she got to be the housewife staying home and shopping while fucking around. A very shady person. And, no one has time for a shady person.

So the story ends that my friend has moved on with a woman who she is head over heels crazy for while the Red Lipstick Wearing Shady Slut is still fucking around on her husband (and he is probably fucking around on her too), shopping and spending his money, still friends with my friend’s ex (poor woman doesn’t know how shady this slut really is) and while still contacting my friend about how her horoscope told her they are meant to be together. Sit down and STFU.

You can email me diaryofalovefool@gmail.com with any questions or comments.

Instagram

Hey I am officially stalking people. Come stalk me joss0000

Also, here are three other accounts I think you should follow:

i_love_english_bulldogs because who doesn’t like looking at chubby dogs dressed in costumes or playing or sleeping. It will make your day.

jenselter because she’s the lady who has over 3 million followers due to her ass is amazing. And yes, her body makes me want to do a 1,000 squats. Plus, she’s not selfish and tells you how to come close to her body with some workouts. And when I say close, I mean probably like 5% because her body is unreal.

katespadeny because it’s Kate Spade and I freaking love her stuff. She’s fairly priced so my budget ass can purchase her stuff and still feel like I make a million bucks a year.

Meeting The Crew

This weekend The Brit met The Crew. And, he got rave reviews. Like  Martin Scorsese reviews.  Who is The Crew you ask? My main bitches who I speak to everyday (basically my Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda to Carrie). They LOVED him… how could you not? He makes me smile and my eyes twinkle. He joked with them and spoke to my friends’ dates about men things… it was like a perfect scene in a romantic comedy. So yes, it’s going very well with The Brit. I’m floating and acting like those annoying girls who are crazy happy in a relationship and I don’t care. Judge me. Mock me. Laugh at me. I don’t care because I’m happppppy.

Buttttt, it wasn’t always like that. When he first contacted me through eHarmony I was eh about it. He’s 6’5″ (giant) and a ginger (not a fan). But, my motto was new year, new me so I decided to meet him because why not? It was after work one night, I wore a pencil skirt and top (nothing exciting) because I didn’t really care how I looked. And, I just laughed throughout the whole date and ate and drank so much. I was comfortable with him from the start and that says more than how someone looks.

So basically I’m saying be more open and take chances (not just in the dating world) because you will never know who you will meet. Give everyone chances because they could be part of your future.

BTW, the sex has been so much better. Saturday night I felt like the city had an earthquake…. boom!

Remember, email me at diaryofalovefool@gmail.com with questions or comments.

Fireworks

Well The Brit and I had sex for the second time this weekend and let me say it was 150% better than the first time. No need for crazy moves or trying to impress me with things he’s seen in movies… just connecting with each other (I know, that sounds cheesy).  But, sex is about two people becoming one (caught that Spice Girls reference)… it’s fun but you are also showing how much you care about the person (or at least are attracted to them).  So sex with The Brit was just easy, no nerves getting in the way. It felt new but like we have been having sex for years, knowing what each other like. And, 2 things happened that I LOVE. One, we came at the same time. Two, he stayed in me for a few minutes after and cuddled instead of running like he just committed a crime.

So I think it’s clear that I am in the really like time with The Brit right now and this weekend he will be meeting my friends (BIG step). So will update you with how that will go. But, every time someone asks me about The Brit I smile like a baby who just took a poop. And, when we are together I just want to touch him or hold his hand. Plus, I am really comfortable with him. I was hanging out at his place with no makeup and my hair in a lazy sloppy bun. HUGE deal.

Hopefully, one day I will be Mrs. Brit.

The Cobwebs Have Been Cleaned

Still shocked by my last post? Say Smegma three times. Kidding. But, I hope everyone learns to respect themselves enough not to put a smelly and dirty dick (or vagina) in their mouths. You are better than that!

Now on to the new post, I finally had sex after months of moaning and fearing of becoming a cat lady. And, I had sex with The Brit. So, how did it go you ask? Well, the first time is never the best. Sorry but that’s the truth. Don’t believe books and movies. It’s awkward and both parties are nervous.

First off, we have been drinking and that can either help or destroy the night.  He’s a tall man, 6’5″ and have very long fingers so him trying to pleasure me with his hand did not work well because my body was just getting used to having anything in there and he tried to use 2. Let’s calm down buddy.

Orally… AMAZING! Now, I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t had anyone near that area in a while (except the doctor and that is NEVER fun) but wow, he deserves a round of applause and shots.

Now the Home Run… let’s just say Derek Jeter didn’t hit this one. He did some jack rabbit moves that bothered the fuck out of me. What’s jack rabbit moves? Well, it’s when a guy speed thrusts into you at an alarming rate (and it’s never good). Then he wanted to move the action towards the window so we can both look at the beautiful city while he thrusts from behind me. Beautiful theory. I think I have even seen this in a movie before. But…. it didn’t really work well and then he lost his hard-on. The most horrific thing that could happen during sex (second place is falling asleep). So it took 20 minutes for his hard- on to come back but by that point my hand and arm was killing me from trying to wake his dick so I wasn’t really in the mood anymore but thankfully he enjoyed it and it was still very nice for me.  Plus, he gets points for trying to keep pleasuring me with his mouth when he lost his hard-on.

Was I disappointed that I didn’t see fireworks when The Brit and I had sex for the first time? Of course. Especially, since I feel he might be the one. But, the best part is we can try again and I’m sure it will be better. And, if it’s not… well practice makes perfect ;)

Remember write to me with any questions or opinions diaryofalovefool@gmail.com

 

Smegma

For people who are wondering about The Brit and Little Man… no sex with The Brit yet and I haven’t been out with the Little Man. But, we are starting to think The Brit might be getting the cookie this weekend! Will update you if it happens.

What is smegma you ask? Well, it’s white gross bacteria that is usually found in someone’s private parts so usually with men if they are uncircumcised (or just a really dirty woman). Yummy! So basically, wash your junk because no girl wants to suck a dick with that.

Why am I mentioning smegma? I have a story to tell. One of my friends was young, insecure, in love, and just plain stupid. Her boyfriend (who was a piece of shit) was uncircumcised and guess what, he had smegma (so on top of being a piece of shit, he was dirty). Because she loved him and was insecure with her weight, she gave him a blow job even though he smelled like grated cheese (from the smegma). 

First off, having the smell of grated cheese near my nose is gross and I don’t even know how she was able to open her mouth without vomit coming out. Two, sucking a dick is work but girl put serious overtime with sucking on a dick that had smegma and how did the fucker thank her? Cheated, lied about having cancer, and overall was a douche (received the award for worst boyfriend ever). Three, a dick is not like sucking on a lollipop, it’s not the best tasting thing ever but to add smegma to it… I don’t know how she didn’t die or how she continued.

Getting a blow job should be a treat for men. They should appreciate us putting a penis in our mouth. It’s called a blow job for a reason. So at least men can wash their dick before we suck on it. It’s about manners people. Be considerate and you will get more treats from us.

Also, ladies (and men) you should never have to deal with a smegma private part. Tell your lover to wash or dump their dirty ass. You don’t deserve to have white bacteria in your mouth.

Remember, you can email me to ask questions or give me your opinions about this. diaryofalovefool@gmail.com